Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is a "Real Life" Noob

My nine-year old son, the self-proclaimed “Orange Phoenix” destroys Endermen the way I destroy a Toblerone while hiding in my closet. His deft, little fingers tap out combinations on the X-Box 360 controls that make my thumbs sore just watching it. Not to mention, his killer moves on “Just Dance”, I mean eat your heart out Jagger. But ask him to make his own lunch for school, and I have to draw a detailed diagram of how to assemble meats and mayonnaise on top of bread as he stares blank-eyed at me like I’m speaking Klingon before having an epic, Oscar-worthy melt-down just attempting to untie the twisty-tie off the bread. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my little gamer, a cyber chip off the old block, his dad made me a World of Warcraft widow a month after I married him. But it boggles my mind sometimes how he can build an elaborate amusement park in Minecraft but can’t always walk and talk without falling over. Or how he will watch his lemonade/water/milk spill completely baffled as to the fact that he can pick up the cup ending the progression of liquid onto the table and floor, but he can recite verbatim the intricate details of each level of Geometry Dash. 

So here are the top ten signs your kid can master Minecraft but can’t navigate reality without the use of a tool bar and mini-map.

1. Your kid can download a mod for a game but can’t unload the dishwasher or his backpack.
2. Your kid can quickly pick up the rules for a new computer game but can’t pick up his shoes, socks, cup, plate, basically anything you’ve asked to be picked up and put away.
3. Your kid can feed tokens into the Pac-Man machine at the pizza parlor but can’t remember to feed the cat/dog or himself.
4. Your kid knows Mario Land, Nintendo Land, and Azeroth backwards and forwards but can’t navigate his own neighborhood without getting lost or distinguish the front of a Polo shirt or his underwear.
5. Your kid mastered the X-box controls, the Wii remote, and the use of a mouse by age 3, but has trouble using a fork to feed himself with and hacks away at poor defenseless bread while attempting to spread peanut butter on toast with a knife.
6. Your kid can guess the emoji but can’t guess simple math equations or why you are mad about the congealed milk he left out on the counter.
7. Your kid can end a boss on Pikman 3 but can’t remember to end a sentence with a period or a toilet session with a flush.
8. Your kid can find rare pumpkins in Minecraft but can’t find his socks, backpack, shoes, feet, the list goes on… when they are right in front of him.
9. Your kid can hang notes up in Roblox but can’t hang his clothes up, backpack, keys, etc..
10. Your kid can put away books in Riddle School but can’t put his books back on his own bookshelf leading to a Jenga-like construction on the bedside table that inevitably falls over.

Obviously, I need to pull the plug and kick him outside to play or hand him a book or some Legos. This comes with its own set of challenges, but maybe if I persist I can level him up to a Level 10 reality expert. Here's hoping.