I Understand You're Hurting, I Acknowledge Your Pain. What Can I Do to Help?

     These are the words I wanted to hear when my dad died of complications from esophageal cancer when I was 27. And later, when my mom died suddenly when I was 32. I wanted someone to acknowledge my grief and not negate it with easy words. Those trite phrases we roll out because grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those viewing it as well as those experiencing it. Because if you haven't experienced it, you don't fully get it.

     This is sort of how I feel as I watch the news and view the grief of African American mothers and fathers and children and loved ones. I don't know what to say to those families of the police officers gunned down in Dallas. It is not my own personal grief. But at the same time I can empathize as much as my reality allows me to with their loss because I know loss. 

     Moreover, I know that pain and grief demand to be felt. Because its excruciating to experience the death of a loved one, no matter the reason. That's why the Internet is full up of people voicing their grief. Black mothers write about their fears for their black sons. Children of police officers write about their fears for their parents. We live in an age of pain, a country of hurt. Dallas Police Chief, David Brown says "Our hearts are broken," as he mourns the loss of five fellow officers and the pain and chaos his city faces. 

     Right now, our whole nation hurts, a citizenship of broken hearts because no matter what side of these polarizing events or political associations we fall on, we all know something is wrong with the world we live in. There is too much hate and vitriol so easily slung on social media behind the safety of our computers. 

     That's where it starts - in words. Words that stir the pot and bring to the surface all our worst traits: our jealousies and petty hatreds, our fears, our scapegoating, our need to blame. But words is where it needs to end. Words, conversations need to be had face to face and in the social media space too about what we need to do next. Words of acknowledgement of grief, words of compassion need to be spoken to those on both sides for their loss. 

     But then we need to take it one step further and ask "What can I do to help? To bring change." Dallas pastor, T.D. Jakes expressed his hope that these events will force us to talk to each other saying that "change happens in the hearts of people". He acknowledges that we don't need to agree with each other, but we need to be talking and working together to find a solution.

     What that solution is I don't know? But I would hope that we use these events to open up a dialogue, one with fair, open-minded words, not mud-slinging and blame, to listen and understand. Understand does not mean agree, it means to appreciate and comprehend what the other side is saying. 

     I'd hope that this great first world nation, purported leader of the free world, a nation of intelligent human beings could listen and really hear both sides. Naively, I'd like to see groups of different races pulled together in communities all over the country to have civil town hall type conversations. Or meet in churches to pray together and grieve together. 

     But I'm not completely naive and know there will still be people stirred by hate and other psychological baggage or learned prejudices who will still spew their venom all over the Internet. I know there may be more violence to come. We live in a culture of hate. It's become cool to judge people, even celebrated to be snarky and mean and say things over social media we wouldn't say to someone else's face.

     But I also believe there are good people out there like me who don't know what the right answer is. We have not personally experience the pain and prejudices of those suffering but we want to help. We just want to know how. 

     I am an upper-middle class white woman. So I don't know the fears and experiences of those mothers of other races. I also don't have any police officers in my family. I can not feel their feelings or know their truths. I do not want to sound trite from my place of privilege. 

     But I can feel the hurt too in our nation and cry with those mourning loved ones. I can feel the punch to the gut hatred roiling in our nation and fear the future. I can look at my two sons and wonder with trepidation about the world they will inherit. 

     But I can acknowledge the pain I see and ask what can I do to help and follow through.

(I always welcome friendly, intelligent comments and don't ask that you agree with me. But I will not tolerate or acknowledge trolls spewing hateful comments for their own amusement. What you say says a lot more about you than me.)