Prioritzing Empathy

     I like everyone else in the United States and even around the world am once again being forced to puzzle out the motivations and accessibility of another senseless shooting spree. One now heralded as the worst in modern U.S. history as if this was a competition to attain the most carnage and the biggest headlines. And I cry and gnash my teeth and pray for the victims and their friends and family. But something else nudges me inside screaming at me that I need to do more than pray. That I must put my faith and my human decency into change. So I sign petitions for Everytown U.S. and Moms Demand Action, and I call my Congressional representative to not vote for the two awful gun bills that would allow more carnage and more innocent blood to be shed. But it still feel inadequate, a cup of water on a forest fire that is consuming our national culture as we divide into camps of: "you aren't taking my fricking guns", and "guns are evil" sides. And while I believe the truth lies in the middle, that we should not take your hand guns, but no one needs to have an automatic weapon. Even if you are a hunter, that's just ridiculous excess like using a weed whacker to slice watermelon. But I'm not going to go further on that line of thought. No one's listen anyway.
     Instead where I will go is to ask how we got here in the first place. Where the knee jerk reaction of a psychotic break, depression, or anger is to take a bunch of people down with you. Or to garner fame from a vile act of terror. Or the more chilling problem of children bringing guns to school because some one bullied them or they didn't feel the teacher gave them a fair grade. When did it become okay to answer our problems with violence? Why are we all so angry? Because we are. Look at social media. The Facebook posts and tweets that get the most attention are the bitchy ones. I've bought into it. And sometimes I agree its nice to vent about typical crazy parenting stuff. But I see it escalate into an outlet for people to vent over little trivial things like parking or being a place to bully others and make them feel inadequate in such angry language it scares me.
     There are days when I get on Facebook and have to quickly get off because of the negative energy swarming up from the page like angry bees buzzing in my brain making me angry too. There are also days when I get jealous and upset and covet my friend's lives as I see their vacation pictures and home remodels, etc. And I know I'm not the only one. We feed on the negative. Internet trolls leave nasty comments just because they can. Friends judge and take digs at their friend's parenting skills or politic. It's a cesspool. And I have to ask where is the empathy?
     Yes, EMPATHY. It feels like a forgotten word. Or something to be slapped on a mug or a t-shirt like Yes, I have empathy or even Fuck Empathy as there are a lot of negative slogans out there.
      But it's a word and a movement that needs to make a come back and soon. But how? This is where I struggle to put words to action. But I know we are capable of something.
     I recently subbed for a 4th grade class and had a wonderful and thoughtful discussion about racial segregation and prejudice that brought tears to my eyes. Kids were listening to each other, voicing their own frustrations. I loved every second of it because I could feel the empathy in the room. And I told the kids I was tearing up because I could feel both the student's perspective from the article on the Little Rock Nine: the fear and anger and hurt of being hated for the color of my skin when all I wanted was a chance to learn; and I could feel from the parent's perspective of how dare someone hurt my baby and call her names and hate her for what she looks like. She's a beautiful human being, and if they would shut their ignorant mouths and lead with their hearts they might finally see that.
     This is how I try to live (I'm human so I'm not perfect and sometimes my emotions overwhelm my rational sense) but I always try to ask myself "How would I feel if someone said that, did that, etc. to me or someone I loved?" It's the old walk a mile in someone else's shoes adage. It's how I raise my sons even when the tough question to my 10 year old is how would you feel if brother treated you the way you treated him just now.
     So how do we teach empathy because it's learned, it's not something you're born with. Babies are extremely selfish little sociopaths. But I feel in our everyone is a winner attitude that we have accidentally shifted the social mindset to "Yes, I am special. I am the only one who counts. Praise me and adore me." And then our kids plummet into depression, tantrums, and panic attacks when they don't get the praise they think they deserve. The praise they have been conditioned to accept as their right. Like they are the center of the world instead of being one of many in the world. But what happened to "Go Team". Doing something for the good of the whole? I see people dismissing this as socialist ideology as if were a bad thing to do something to make sure everyone was good and taken care of. Which honestly blows my mind. If it doesn't take away from my happiness might even add to it to see someone else happy too, why is that a bad thing?
     Now where do we begin? Can we teach empathy in schools? I see character education at my son's school but is it enough? And I wonder if we need more lessons on listening to each other. I once did a program with the La Jolla Playhouse called the Kids and Cops program. It was brilliant. An actor from the company and a local police officer came to my class once a week and opened a dialogue through the medium of drama. We played improve games and learned how to write monologues while building a relationship and voicing some honest and brutal opinions and misconceptions between the students and the police. Both sides listened to each other. Honest communication and understanding began to happen. Could this be something to try in schools? An hour a week of drama lessons that fostered conversations and taught the kids to listen and see each other as someone worthy of love and being heard. It would take time away from math and formal language arts lessons but what are we producing in schools? Someone who can figure out word problems or decent human beings who will add to society.
     Then I begin to think about society and the lack of community. Maybe the problem isn't just gun violence and mental health issues, though that is certainly a big part of it. But the national disconnect. I have no local store where I see the same people. I live in a big cookie cutter suburban housing development where I have to drive ten minutes to a store. When my dad lived in both London and Birmingham, he could walk to the store and new the worker's names and family life. My dad also knew his neighbors even in a giant city like London because the urban planning was more intimate and within reach. There was a community pub, store, restaurant, and housing all in walking distance. I know one direct neighbor and a handful of other people in my development. Maybe if our cities were planned better, more intimately or we had more community functions: knitting groups, dance class, bingo, we wouldn't feel so depressed and lonely and angry. Maybe that's Pollyannaing it, I honestly don't know the answer. I am only grasping at straws but feeling desperate that we must act now to change the way our country is going. To end the anger and animosity and quickfire reaction to violent behavior. Maybe someone smarter than I knows a way. I will follow. Just show me the light. And maybe everyone needs to look around them and smile at a stranger today, compliment someone, honestly ask how their day is going and listen to the answer, hug your kids, your friends, your spouse, etc. Let's light the world with love and find our empathy and share it.